Self-Medication

Last december i quit smoking cause i knew i would probably be tested when i got a job. Fast forward to March, still no job, and the cremaster cycle is coming to a local theater, so i decide to reward myself and buy some, i smoke, i see cremaster, it is amazing, beautiful, profound. i loved it. i smoke another week as well, then quit for 2 weeks, or until last thursday. On Thursday i learned that extendicare, one of the two jobs i am in the final running for decided i wasn't the best fit, but they said they had another job opening this week that i would be perfect for, it sounds like bullshit to me, and i still haven't heard. So i decided to quit stressing, go shoot some photo's in the menominee river valley, bring a six pack, and smoke, i had fun and felt great.

Random thoughts over a 7 min period on the only paper i had

Then on my way home i decided to rent Black for xBox, it is one of the best shooting games i have played in quite a long time, basically it's gun-porn for NRA members. Then last weekend i went up to door county with my folks, we bummed around taking photo's, hiked at Newport State Park, watched movies, drank Leinenkugals Sunset Wheat (it's a new beer that taste's amazing, and my current favorite beer, it's got a very unique taste (i think from coriander), i highly recommend you try some at your earliest convinence), and played golf. Sunday night i went to the WAC(wisconsin athletic club) after we got back from DC to go sweat in the steamroom, then on my way home i decided to smoke because Soprano's was going to be on once i got home, the episode was great, a lot funnier than usual. Then on Monday i had my first game of Ulitmate Frisbee since last fall, it was through a spring league i am in, and i smoked a little before the game cause i ate to much for dinner and my stomach was a little quesy, it felt great to play again, and our team won, but my legs were definately not conditioned enough. After the game my legs were very sore, and we were meeting at the Palomino, so i decided to self medicate by smoking, it was a good choice.

Thoughts written during medicating after Frisbee on Monday

My Current Occurrences

So currently i am waiting around for human resource departments from Kohl's and Extendicare to get back to me about possible positions they might hire me for. As a result of the increased possibility that i might be hired i have done even less and less to look for other positions, and have thus become even lazier and lazier waiting around during the day. Furthermore, i have determined that while DVR(Digital Video Recorder, like TIVO) is an awesome invention it definitely greatly induces my said laziness and increases the amount of TV i watch. The problem is that you can record any TV shows you might want to see and then watch then later without commercial breaks. Before DVR i almost never watched commercials, i would either flip to another channel, or go do something else during the 2 or 3 min breaks. After DVR i watch countless interesting shows sans commercials breaks and sans breaks altogether. While initially it is very nice, i feel it makes it TOO easy to watch TV. While TV is obviously easy to watch, and probably one of the easiest ways to spend your time and relax, with DVR it makes it so ridiculously easy and time consuming that while i hate spending so much time watching TV i am still drawn to it and can't seem to cut back the time i watch.

This leads into another problem. I LOVE being back in Milwaukee, and there are countless benefits, and countless things to do. Unfortunately, it can be pretty hard to find people to do these things with. I simply desire to meet people who like to get together and hangout and do things, any things, preferably new weird random things i don't normally do. i currently hypothesize that a part of this stems from being an only child or having siblings. While unfortunately i am shy and often introverted i also often want to be around people and be doing things. As an only child i feel that i am not very good relating to people my age, and i do enjoy doing my own thing, and am very comfortable being alone. But i feel my desire to be with people and among friends is much stronger. With people who have siblings i have noticed that they get along and relate to peers much better, but that they have a greater desire to be alone, and spend time alone. Basically, as an only child i am often alone and can be alone whenever i want just be going home, and conversely children with siblings often had others at home and spent much of their time growing up playing and hanging out with children their own age. And each basic type desires what they can't get at home, and what they didn't have growing up. I simply want to be thought of when people are doing something, i want people who want to do things with me, and want people to include me in their social life when they are going to a bar or a party or whatever. But unfortunately this is incredibly hard to find.

When i first moved back to Milwaukee i often hung out with this guy John Duffey. I met him through my childhood friend Brian Balisteri, who has since quit being friends with me, mainly due to his wife thinking me and my friends casey and mark were too wild. Anyway, Casey graduated a year before me and once he moved back to Milwaukee he didn't have that many friends in town either, so he began hanging out with john more and more. Then when i came back to Milwaukee we would all hangout, and me and john became friends. Last summer, Casey took a roadtrip for most of the summer, and john and i became closer. In large part due to the many problems john was dealing with and the thought that i could help him. Well it turns out i couldn't help him, and john quit being friends with me aswell. He has since turned to religion and has started praying more to deal with his problems, i am sure you all know my thoughts on that, especially trying to use religion to treat serious psychological diseases. Furthermore, he says he has ADD and depression, i feel pretty capable trying to help with those since i have mild ADHD, and have dealt with depression, but as i think back on many situations with john, and after i talked with a brilliant friend of mine who is in the medical industry, i have come to believe that it is much more likely that john has a much more serious problem, namely some sort of psychosis, which is defined by, Persons experiencing a psychotic episode may experience hallucinations, hold delusional beliefs (e.g.,paranoid delusions), demonstrate personality changes and exhibit disorganized thinking (see thought disorder). This is often accompanied by lack of insight into the unusual or bizarre nature of such behavior, difficulties with social interaction and impairments in carrying out the activities of daily living. He has all of those except hallucinations, since i can't really know if he does. In all honesty i couldn't be happier with the whole situation, and am actually glad that i am not friends with him anymore. Since we were really just acquaintances and never really had that many similar interests, in hindsight we just hung out cause it was easy, and now i feel able to meet more people who have similar interests to me. In addition, since i have come to the opinion that he does suffer from some sort of psychosis rather than just ADD and depression i feel less able to help and less responsible to try and help him.

This last bit may sound mean or cruel or whatever, but i am just being honest and a little more personal then these blogs have been. i have noticed that my blogs have gotten a lot less personal since it has been announced, somewhat, to the world, and a friend mentioned that he liked how personal i got on this blog and not to change. So yeah, this is the result.

Last weekend i met juli per(my name for julie perreth on my cell phone) and her friend theresa at the mad planet. It was a good time, and i felt pretty comfortable in the surroundings and was attracted to many of the opposite. But i digress. As some may know, and many more will know soon, i have been with out a "girlfriend" or significant other or whatever for quite a while. Basically, i have had bad luck with the ladies. But since i have been in Milwaukee, my chances have increased greatly. Just about every time i go out to the bars, especially on the east side, or basically bars that i like, i seem to meet a girl, female, bitch, whatever you want to call Them. Tonight about 15 min before bar time, i was looking around for juli per, then this opposite came up to me and asked if i were gay. I said NO, Why do you ask? ~She replied, "well because you are very well dressed, you obviously care about your appearance, and you are attractive, and because most guys like that are gay!" We talked and it went well and i got her number. So, of course, i am happy, i met a nice attractive opposite, but it still kinda bothers me that she assumed i was gay. As a hetero, this obviously bothers me, and something i would like to correct, but how? can a hetero not dress nicely and care about his appearance?

In the same realm, i have become friends with a guy that is not entirely hetero, his name on my cell phone is MaMarino (cause is sounds like mammary and it's ironic). While i am probably the most and only Republican i know or hang out with on a regular basis, i find it ironic that almost all the people i know that know MaMarino aswell are a lot more liberal than i but they almost all have a much bigger problem hanging out with someone that is not entirely hetero than i do. It has actually been very cool hanging out with MaMarino because almost all of my hetero friends don't have any interest in Fashion, so it nice to go shopping with someone that enjoys critiquing and analyzing Fashion as much as i. Interior Design is another area that typically is not enjoyed by many hereto's, but alas i do enjoy it for some reason, as does MaMarino. In addition, i have found that hetero men do not have conversations that are as personal or graphic as women when talking about their bodies, sex, etc. Just watch an episode of Sex and the City. But i think less hetero men are more open and willing to talk about male issues like that, unfortunately it does involve hearing some stories and things i never thought i would've heard, or would've liked to hear. But that's life, i think it's good to challenge your comfort zones and to become less hyper-sensitive to the world around you.

Also i feel i have a bad problem with talking about my self, everything i say, in which i am the subject, feels arrogant, and egotistical. I am definitely fearful about being arrogant, and appearing arrogant to others, but i don't know how to talk about myself and not feel like that. Do i sound arrogant, do my stories seem self-important? i hope not but i really don't know, it is honestly one of my biggest fears. Even this last line sounds ridiculously arrogant to me, is it?

Lots and Lots of фотоснимок

Veronica dancing along to Napolean Dynamite, and the moment she stopped dancing once she saw i had my camera out

Dancers. They see the world as one big dance floor

These are some of the photo's or фотоснимок that i have taken over the last month, from 2/20/06 to 3/20/06(my birthday). Over the course of that time i have taken 1052 photographs. These are some of my favorites.